How do you Explain?

That this person they love so deeply and hold so close is just a figment of their fractured mind, because in reality they are long dead- consumed in the mindless hunger of the beast? Susan is gone, Melissa remains, and she will never know the truth. Her mind cannot comprehend it. And should it ever do so, Melissa might well be lost to the depths of madness from which no one returns.

How do you explain to the other guest of the evening that his ghost has outed him as a murderer? And that the only way he is going to be rid of his shadow is through his own death? How do you apologise for using him as a punching bag deep in your terror when you can see just how that spirit approves of the punishment you’re inflicting? How do you thank him for pinning you down to keep you from hurting others, yet curse him for allowing his charge to get close enough to touch you- resulting in a fresh trauma that neither of you will easily ever speak of?

How do you explain to the woman that you know she is masquerading? That you heard enough to be sure that she misrepresented herself to all those present, but that you understand the likely necessity behind the charade? How do you make sure she knows that you hold no animosity against her, even if she has added a week to your convalescence? That you are in fact grateful she kept you from harming one of the people you hold dearest in this godsforsaken city?

How do you explain to your Brujah caretaker that his attempts to help contributed to your fearful state last night? How you had to steel your will not once but twice based on his actions alone, leaving you vulnerable to a truth later on in the evening? How, despite best intentions, you should never force a trauma victim to disclose anything they are not ready to- especially to two who took part in that trauma, willingly or otherwise? How hearing the death toll again and again from you, while curled at your side and unable to escape the sound of your voice, demoralises your gentle heart even at the best of times- let alone in the depths of pain and the dark prison of your own mind?

How do you explain to the Technomancer that you fear he will use you as a battery, for lack of a better term as a Keeper in the same manner as Locke and Lowtus? How do you explain to the Demonologist just how deep his cuts reach into your body and soul, inflicted again and again as they are? How do you explain to your Prince, the closest friend you have had in half a century, that despite her care you will always be at your heart the broken prophet curled at her feet and you are just so, so sorry?

How do you explain to the entirety of your Clan that the punishment you have gone through since coming to Edinburgh, too much of which they have felt as if it were their own, is your duty to suffer through? A necessity, and your place in the tapestry of the night? That no amount of preaching about self-care and self-love from anyone else changes your fate? And that it isn’t over yet, and you know that, and still you have to find the strength to face each night and each horror without flinching away?

How…

How…

How…